Oneshot Sebastian x ??

I’m laughing. And you’re looking at me and you don’t understand what’s causing that. How can I explain it? You won’t get it, even If I’ll spend next hour trying to tell you what I’m feeling right now. It’s just… Because of how you’re sitting. No, not how, more like where.  Because you don’t remember this moment, which is burned in my mind forever from the first time I saw you. You were there, in this exact same place, looking at me from the same angle with your bloody-red eyes. It’s impossible that you could remember this, because for someone like you it was just another routine action to provide yourself some food. But for me this day is everything. It changed the way I look at the world, It changed me. I realized that in this exact moment, I’m no longer just a pathetic girl without any reason for life. I became powerful young woman with power to change the world. But I didn’t. It wasn’t ever my goal. All I wanted was to have someone who will be with me, accepting who I am, what I am and how I want to end my life. Death was my purpose, but you said it’s too easy for you. Make the contract just to kill your victim wasn’t really what you wanted. And I couldn’t understand it for a long time. I guess, I had to get to know you better. I decided that publishing a book will be my destination and when I reach it, you’ll kill me and take my soul.

Then, after couple months I started to understand why killing me was too easy for you. It wasn’t, it just wasn’t what you were looking for. Because you wanted someone to care about, vulnerable partner who can’t handle his own life without your help. So, I was the best choice. Terminally ill, unable to make myself a sandwich without breaking something, and my motor function were getting worse and worse each day. I was seeing happiness in your eyes. Not because of my suffering, I’ll never accuse you for such thing. There were true, happy sparkles in your beautiful eyes every time I asked you to help me. You felt fulfilled. It may seem weird, but back then, I was sometimes telling you to do something even if I didn’t need your help. Looking at that happy face of yours always making me feel better. Even when pain was literally killing me, it wasn’t important as long as I was able to give you pleasure.

You weren’t such a cold, emotionless monster as you wanted to be in my eyes. You never were, even at the beginning and when I realized that I began to treat you as my savior, my dearest friend, my fiduciary… And probably I started loving you at some point, but not in the way people understands it. It was different somehow, pure and innocent. Fully platonic. I never thought of you like of my lover, just soul mate, no matter how paradoxically it sounds.

That’s why I don’t know how could I possible explain it to you, to someone who’s still denies having feelings. Why you’re still doing that, when we both know it’s not true?

You’re still looking at me, while I wander between all memories about you. I don’t know what to say. I see sadness inside those bloody-red eyes. Something that you want to hide so badly, but you can’t. I start to shake, it’s getting closer – my last breath.

“Are you going to stare on me like that until I die in pay, or you’ll fulfill your duties?” I’m asking and trying to hold up tears. You shouldn’t be sad, it’s your reward. Be happy, for God sake!

“Forgive me… I just can’t” You whispering. “Please, tell me, why were you smiling?” I knew this question will come out of your mouth, I was sure.

“Because when I saw you for the first time, you were sitting at the same spot.” I’m answering and gently touching your hand. And you’re staring at me, like a scared, little boy, not like a proud demon. I finding it disgusting.

“I hate you right know.” I’m telling you from top of my selfishness.

“You hate me? Should we do something about it?” That sound a bit more like you, so I’m smiling, because that’s the only expression I can make without crying.

“Just be emotionless demon, as you said you are.” I’m demanding. And your eyes, so deeply sad, making my heart beats painfully fast.

“We both know the truth.” You whispering and bow your head. Another painful beat of heart makes not crying even harder, almost impossible. I bite my lip, trying to look happy to help you handle this.

“I do have emotions. And I know you’re aware of this for a long time. Please, don’t lie to me.”

“I… I know, but isn’t that something awful for you?” I don’t know why I’m doing this. There’s no benefits from it, for any of us, but I can’t help. I need it, I need to be one hundred percent sure. Please, forgive me!

“It should be, but it’s not. You opened my eyes for all those human things I founded disgusting and defamatory. I thought they would make me weaker.” I can’t handle this anymore, I’m crying. As quietly as I can.

“But in fact, I feel better now. I realized those emotions are what I was looking for my whole life, so don’t be sad.” You’re asking, but how? How can I feel anything else but sadness when I’m the reason of your pain?

“But you’re sad.” I’m saying, using it like an excuse.

“I am.” You’re saying with charming, almost poetical smile. “But it’s fine. I want to feel this way. This is even more precious gift than your soul.”

I feel weak. Comparing to you I was never strong, I can’t imagine how you must feel right now. This kind of sadness when you have to take life from someone you care about. Is that even possible?

“I am sorry. So, so sorry…” I’m whispering.

“Please, stop it. You wanted this. You’ve reached your goal. You should be happy.” Your words are full of grief, but you lips still smiling.

“I made you like that, right? And now, I’m the reason of your first sorrow. I should be with you to help you handle with it.” It’s true. I should, but it’s impossible. It’s funny actually. I’m laughing again.

“Here it is. Don’t make me such a crybaby. I’m not that weak. I can handle it, in the end, I’m still one hell of a butler, aren’t I?”

“Yes, you are. And if someone asked me, I would never guess I’m able to make you actually feel something.” I’m not sure anymore who’s tries to comfort who... Probably, on our distorted way, we’re comforting each other. “Ok now. Take my soul, I want to die by your hands.” I’m giving you the last order, closing my eyes and waiting for the end.

I see darkness, I feel your warm hands on my arms, I literary feel how soul is leaving my body.

“Thank you for everything. I will never forget you, my lady.”